


The Turning Point

by bambithepenguin



Category: Hurts (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Drunk Sex, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-28 20:42:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3869113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambithepenguin/pseuds/bambithepenguin





	1. Awakening

The glowing sunlight came as a painful strike to Theo who lay closer to the window. Struggling with the hangover, he groaned and opened his eyes; the eyelids felt so heavy as if they were made of some metal. Displeased, Theo hardly turned his head away from the window to see Adam peacefully sleeping alongside, presumably naked just as Theo was, with his hand resting on Theo’s stomach. “Uh… Okay…” the singer murmured, hopefully suggesting it was the alcohol in his blood which caused hallucinations, and started shoving Adam who woke up more easily and instantly pulled his hand away, blush covering the abashed face.

“Hey, what are you doing in my bed naked?”

Adam didn’t answer and just looked at Theo with his face full of suggestion that proved the obvious. Dumbfounded, Theo rubbed his eyes as if it would chase the weird dream away and mumbled:

“God damn it…”

“Last night it was more like ‘Oh God, Adam!’” he couldn’t help noticing though on the whole he wasn’t in the mood for joking.

For a minute Theo just stared into space with his mouth agape, apparently trying to revive at least a few memories of last night; finally he managed to put together some blurry puzzles though the whole picture still was rather vague and lacked more than a half of pieces. The treacherous brain traded off dirty details but refused to remember the global things like, first of all, how they had ended up in one bed together. The last surviving memories took place at a club where the band was having fun and nothing foreshadowed how the night was going to end. 

“So… was I good?” suddenly Theo asked with a giggle.

“I can’t believe you’ve just fucked your best friend and that is what concerns you most!”

“Judging by your face, that could have been the unhappiest moment of your life, so I’m a bit worried…”

Adam interrupted him with an annoyed moan, mentally reprimanding himself for carrying this drunk joker to the hotel in the first place.

“It wasn’t! But this moment has a good chance!” he shouted and then added more calmly and bashfully, “Just for the record, it’s not that I’ve had someone to compare you with in that sense but I don’t think it should be a matter of worry for you.”

Seeing Theo throw his fist in the air victoriously, Adam instantly regretted being so frank and hid his face in palms, looking absolutely exhausted by his friend whose face obviously showed no signs of regret.

“You’re catastrophizing again!”

“Well, there’s a reason and I hope you see it even if for you it’s not so problematic.”

“Come on, Adam, you look like the world’s ended,” Theo pushed Adam playfully, “Nothing tragic happened. Sex is an overrated issue – well, I mean, it’s not a turning point. You felt good, I felt good – is there anything bad in that? Why don’t we just carry on the way we were?”

The look in Theo’s eyes, which clearly didn’t show a trifle of shame or uneasiness, made Adam squint.

“You seem overly okay with that…”

“Indeed, I am. Of course, it’s not that I’ve always dreamed of spending a night with you or having a relationship, I’m sure neither have you, it’s just… We were both really drunk and now we can’t remember even a half of this, so this shouldn’t be awkward, and…”

“I was pretty fucking far from drunk,” an angry remark broke out so roughly as if Theo had just offended Adam really badly. Every word was true only for Theo but turned into a lie, being applied to Adam. It hurt him violently and, though knowing that the revelation would hurt even more, he still hated hearing those lies about alcohol being the only force that could pull them that close.

“Oh shut up, you’re always saying that you’re sober and okay while being pissed but we both know you’ve had too much, is it really that hard to admit?”

“No, Theo, this time I’m not underestimating my inebriety level. I was sober so I can remember every damn minute of the last night. Truth be told, this is much harder to admit.”

The intoxicated brain digested the information slowly, muddling logical chains and missing conclusions.

“But then… why did you let me… Damn, was I the initiator?”

A reserved nod followed and, with a heavy heart, Adam decided there had to be no secrets left, though the words came too tough and didn’t sound as casual and calm as he wanted them too.

“I let you because I wanted this. Because I wanted you. For some time, actually. And I didn’t need a drop of alcohol as a desire-booster. What’s even worse, it’s not just lust. I’m in love with you. I’ve felt like this for several months now and I hoped it would remain undercover because I always knew it was dead-end in every single way. In fact, my attempts were rather successful until liters of alcohol led you into my pants. Do not think I made use of your unconsciousness because I wasn’t easy to seduce but you were really persistent. I’m sorry.”

His life depended on what Theo did next; he could stand up and walk away, he could hit him in the face, he could yell at him – whatever the scenario would be, things would never be the same again. But Theo’s action was a surprise; he just hugged Adam awkwardly, struck by his clumsy confession, as he murmured:

“Oh Adam… Don’t be. It’s my fault, not yours.”

“For fuck's sake, Theo!” Adam exclaimed, disgruntled, but found himself too emotionally weak to break the unnecessary hug, “We both fucked up everything, but one can leave behind a night like this more or less easily while it’s pretty much impossible to renounce an affection, especially when always being together, willingly or just of necessity. I know it because I’ve tried a lot of times. It just won’t go. Now all my attempts of not involving you into this damn game have failed, and I’m afraid of losing our friendship and ruining everything. It will never be the same. Do you understand we might not even be able to make music together again?”

Jaded by those heavy thoughts, he felt Theo’s hand on his shoulder trembling a bit and crawling away cautiously, but eventually staying in its place, though the touch was much slighter. Every word left Theo more and more downcast for he couldn’t see any of that surrealistic stuff coming. Maybe he had had a few seconds of hesitation when his friend’s gaze had seemed too intent and ambiguous or when their ‘Evelyn’ moments had turned out to be excessively intimate; but those were just brief thoughts which never led him to bewilderment this deep. Even if they did, Theo would never assume it all to be so serious and long-lasting. Indeed, the feeling was dead-end: no matter how Theo appreciated and loved Adam as a friend, he couldn’t even imagine them being lovers and the last night didn’t dissuade him. He didn’t even remember most of it. Theo could easily move on if this night had been caused by an occasional mutual attraction without any solid base but excess of alcohol but the heartfelt confession gave him too many obstructive feelings – confusion, astonishment, guilt and empathy.

“Listen, Adam… The best we can do is just carry on by all means,” Theo said reflectively, failing to find a better solution, “Maybe it seems unlikely now but we’ll try. We shouldn’t break the routine. I’m sure someday you’ll meet someone who can displace me for good. I swear I’ll do anything that depends on me so we can succeed. I promise you we’ll be fine in the end. Okay?”

The uncertain encouragement was answered with a nod and a doubtful grin but, in spite of the mutual incertitude, they both tried to believe it’s true. Adam wasn’t very good at hiding his shattered look and Theo hated to be the reason of it; the guilt hurt him inside like a thousand fiery knives. The dilemma of consoling Adam or letting go was a tough one but after all Theo chose the first option, pulling his friend close again. This was better than any words he could think of and Adam didn’t mind the embrace though he knew he had to.

***

The gig was kicking off in 15 minutes and everyone was swarming near the entrance to the stage, involved in cheery talks with each other, except for Theo, who was standing aside, silent and meditative, and Adam, who had been gone for quite a long time. They hadn’t talked since the morning incident: fed up with the awkward silence, soon Adam left for his room, muttering something as an excuse. The day had been spent separately so they confronted each other only after arriving at the venue, both faking a greeting smile, while each one knew he was fooling neither himself nor his friend, and then they occupied the opposite corners of the room as if following some unwritten agreement. It was not that Theo was deliberately avoiding Adam or didn’t want to talk to him anymore but being close felt troublesome because he couldn’t figure out what he should and shouldn’t do not to make it worse.

“I’ll go find Adam,” Theo let everybody know after some ineffective texting and walked away. Primarily he decided to check the dressing room; pushing the door warily, Theo saw Adam leaning back against the wall in the empty room, his head lowered, with an unplugged guitar in his hands. A gentle and sorrowful tune, which Theo had never heard before, flowed on; probably Adam, being absorbed in music, didn’t notice that his solitude had been broken. The melancholic melody made Theo feel guilt again but that time the oppressing sense was mixed with strange fascination. All dressed in black, gloomy and collected, the lonely figure looked a bit cold and demonic, but the heart-piercing sounds gave Adam away as if they were a story about what he really felt. Deeply touched, Theo took an unexpected step: he walked to Adam and rose his face with a caressing touch on the cheek. The music faded as Adam’s arms fell down from the strings in surprise, and Theo planted a delicate kiss on his lips. The hushed guitar kept the distance between them; anyway, neither was willing to break it. Both remained still since one was astonished by the unhoped-for action and another was afraid to imply more than he wanted to. The only thing stuck in Theo’s mind was hope that Adam wouldn’t ask something like ‘What was that for?’ after they broke the kiss because he didn’t know the answer himself. Fortunately, Adam stayed silent but the mute question was shimmering in his eyes.

“Just one for luck. Let’s go. By the way, we should definitely do this song sometime,” Theo said as if nothing had happened, taking Adam by the hand and pulling him towards the door. Fooling around like that was easier than admitting that for some reason Theo wouldn’t be able to look at Adam the same way again. Nowise he was in love – it was a much more complex mixture of feelings – but at the same time Theo wouldn’t claim he and Adam were just friends. Not anymore.


	2. Lost In Translation

The flight to another gig location was supposed to take only 2 hours but for Adam time stopped the minute Theo fell asleep on his shoulder. They didn’t always sit together while flying but that day Theo insisted on it and spent 5 minutes trying to get the sought-for boarding pass from a stubborn airport worker who couldn’t stand a littlest deviation from the instructions. All that time Adam was standing nearby and laughing at the trifling dispute, concerned about why Theo was so obstinate about being close to him – not for the first time in those latter days, actually.

***

Two months passed since the drunk incident had pulled the cover of secrecy from the truth, and those times were the most incomprehensible and bizarre Theo and Adam ever had. The concert, which was preceded by an unexpected kiss, turned out to be rather good, curiously enough, and all the subsequent gigs were played as if nothing really happened. They had been performing together for years, whatever their relationship was, and it felt like a comfortable pattern that couldn’t be broken. Music helped them feel alright, at least while being on stage.

But the life beyond stage wasn’t that easy and customary. Both Theo and Adam wanted it to retreat back to normal but they couldn’t figure out the way to do it: customary demeanor didn’t work out and felt too forced and weird, avoiding each other would be even worse and also impracticable. Theo tried to be less demonstrative about girls he hooked up with. But Adam wasn’t that easy to trick as he knew Theo too well; he kept reminding himself that he had no right to be jealous but it didn’t heal the pain. Every time Theo appeared in front of him after a night out Adam looked so miserable and heartbroken that the careless reveler started hating himself. After two weeks Adam couldn’t bear this anymore, seeing Theo’s eyes being full of irregular guilt once again.

“Please, Theo, don’t look so guilty. You’re not doing anything wrong – but I am. Just keep living the way you always did, and I’ll try harder to do the same, just ignore me till then.”

“I can’t ever ignore you, idiot,” Theo sighed and hugged Adam so tight that the latter lost his breath for a moment because of at least two reasons, one of which wasn’t his lungs being compressed by Theo’s chest.

That day Theo decided to take a break in partying. He certainly valued friendship highly above cheap entertainments and could easily sacrifice them for some time in order not to hurt Adam. After another gig they came back to the hotel together and, as Theo was opening the door to his room, Adam remembered something.

“Wait, aren’t you going to that fancy club you’ve been googling recently?”

“M… no, I’ll stay here,” Theo said and felt victorious as soon as he noticed a small grateful smile on Adam’s lips, “Maybe I’ll just watch some films… Wanna join me?”

Watching a film doesn’t necessarily require talking which was the most difficult part, so “Yeah, why not?” was Adam’s answer.

***

Giving away he wasn’t really sleeping, Theo reached for Adam’s hand and their fingers interlaced. Adam sighed mutely, knowing they had to talk but, firstly, it definitely wasn’t the right place for such conversations and, secondly, earlier Adam had failed this mission a lot of times. At first he thought things couldn’t get any more complicated but somehow they did; one mistake led to another, creating an endless row of slips and making Adam regret every decision he made. The worst part was reviving those decisions and understanding he couldn’t have done anything better – their relationship was a driverless locomotive rushing towards the abyss, and none of them managed to take full control of it, though many a time Adam assumed it was Theo who destroyed the breaks.

***

As said before, speaking to each other was still a little hard so at first they didn’t do a lot of talking: only business matters were discussed, if needed, but all the personal stuff was left out. However, it was important for Theo to let Adam know he didn’t avoid communicating with him – he just didn’t know the way to do it right, so soon Theo came up with his own weird sign language. He didn’t bother to explain anything so Adam had to translate this invention, that gradually got more physical and confusing, all by himself. The dictionary slowly replenished in the following order: an intent look – ‘Are you okay?’, clapping on the back – ‘Cheer up’, a hug, hands high up – ‘Good luck’, a hug, hands on waist – ‘I’m sorry’, taking by the hand – ‘Let’s go somewhere’, then there was a sizable list of ‘still undefined’ items which included tickling, holding hands and touching, more or less appropriate but never too obscene. The true meaning of Theo’s actions remained a mystery but, strangely enough, the more intimate they became, the more okay with each other two friends were again. Adam had to abandon this intriguing psycholinguistic work when he had to add  ‘a kiss on the neck’ to the list and failed to translate it to something sane. Theo’s actions had puzzled him for a long time but that was just too much to handle with no questions asked. One day Theo dragged Adam to an old park not far from their hotel just because the day before he had read an article about it and came up with an idea for a photo. 

“Come on, don’t be lazy, I need this photo!” he cried, pulling his laughing friend’s hand.

“Are all our photoshoots not enough? Why did you even choose music when modeling could suit you far better?”

“They’re okay, but your pictures of me will always be the best. You see something they don’t.”

It was the first time Theo mentioned his friend’s feelings towards him, at least marginally, and instead of being embarrassed or nervous he gave Adam a confident smile.   
That small laudatory remark made everything feel right for the first time in more than a month, as if some nasty barrier of paralipsis between them finally collapsed. They talked all the way to the park just like before, afraid to believe they were fine at last. After some takes they finally managed to fulfil the idea that turned out to be not so easy, then they sat on a bench nearby to look through the results.

“Damn, delete this, I was just fooling around!”

“Not happening,” Adam shook his head with a smile, “I’ll better save it for the moment you post another overly dramatic photo of yourself so I can establish the balance.”

“You’re a real life villain,” Theo laughed and looked at other photos, his hand resting on Adam’s shoulder, “Oh, this one’s nice. And this one. And this one.”

“And the award for outstanding self-love goes to you.”

“You’re not a very good interpreter, I just wanted to say I really like the way you photograph me. I like how the lens converts your look at me into images that could truly tell quite a lot... About both of us, since portrait photography is always a dialogue.”

Puzzlement showed up on Adam’s face as the common compliment evolved into something weird and equivocal. His search of words or, at least, reactions was interrupted even more weirdly: Theo lowered his head, left a brief kiss on Adam’s neck and immediately rose to walk away, imperturbably calling his friend to follow:

“Let’s go, we don’t have much time.”

“Theo, wait,” Adam ran to Theo and turned him around, not able to hold back the question any longer, “What was that?”

“What ‘that’?” Theo wondered, uncomprehending, and looked around as if to find the reason for this question, “I don’t understand you, Adam, I must’ve missed something,” he added with a hardly distinguishable smile and moved away, vexed Adam following him.

***

Whatever it was, it continued for another couple of weeks, and little by little Adam’s attempts to clarify the situation got more regular and relentless which made Theo mad at times. He clearly didn’t want to explain or comment anything. After a while Adam got used to his unconventional flirting and even joined the game once and again but in total he couldn’t put up with it. Their promiscuous relationship had some advantages which Adam tried to focus on: first of all, it set a kind of reconciliation and reduced the unpleasant tension, and then it was probably the closest they were going to get to being a real couple so Adam enjoyed it as much as he could.

However, disadvantages – or, let’s just say, unsolved problems – bothered him much more. Why did Theo do it all? For sure, those weren’t the signs of a real affection – the affection Adam felt for him. He didn’t even dare dreaming of this being the key but he had some other versions. The main one supposed Theo was testing him and checking out how long Adam would remain unenterprising and obedient, just of curiosity; why not if it wasn’t a big deal for him? Or that could be just a mock, a coquettish torture. Other versions also didn’t consider Theo even a bit kind and noble though in fact Adam never doubted his friend’s humaneness; he just didn’t have at least one uncontradictory version and, being lost in attempts of understanding, needed something to hold on to.

All the direct questions were dodged more or less politely; it depended on Theo’s mood. Sometimes he gently put a finger over Adam’s mouth and it was not the finger itself that silenced him but the tenderness of the gesture. Restraint and strength betrayed Adam every time Theo did lovely things like this, and his questions were wiped out. Not even realizing it, Theo liked the vulnerable side of his friend that he hadn’t seen a lot before; maybe that was one of the reasons he kept breaking his immaterial armor of composure to get to the weak and sensitive entity.

When Theo was not in such a flirty mood, he changed the topic rapidly or faked a phone-call but most of the time he literally walked away. Soon he learnt to recognize the question coming up even before Adam said a word and invented a new way of avoiding that conversation: he just kept talking nonstop about random things so Adam couldn’t find a second to interrupt. Both were gradually getting more and more mad at each other so the time bomb was due to explode one day.

***

They arrived late in the evening and both headed straight to the hotel since Theo didn’t go to clubs anymore. A little accident happened on the hotel staircase: being too absorbed in looking at Theo and smiling absentmindedly, Adam tripped and nearly fell, but his friend, who usually was the one to fall, held him upright.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, nothing serious,” Adam replied, grabbing Theo’s waist, and tried to move on, “Shit, it feels like I’ve twisted my ankle.”

Not even asking if he needed it, Theo grabbed both bags with his left hand, helping his toddling friend to get to the room with another. The forthcoming opportunity to be left alone for long wasn’t a frequent gift but Adam had wasted every single of them, trying to have the talk, while more appealing options could be available. As soon as Theo placed Adam’s bag near the bed and turned to him to ask about his ankle, Adam interrupted his unsaid line, firmly aimed to make it right at last.

“Theo, we need to talk. You've been behaving weird recently, and I...”

“Oh fuck, not this again.”

“Yes, again. I won't leave you alone until you explain all of it.”

“I think it's time to go to bed. Goodnight, Adam,” Theo said quickly and made a hasty step to the door but Adam stood in his way with a resolute face and prevented his escape.

“You won't leave this room unless you tell me what's the deal with us.”

“Then, I guess, we'll have to spend the night together, is that what you want?”

“Did I stutter saying I want an explanation?” Adam asked, too wrathful to distinguish a joke, “I don't understand you when you behave like we're a couple though we're not and never will be, and, what hurts the most, you know how I feel but...”

Raging, Theo covered his ears with hands in the middle of the speech and began shouting out random things.

“La-la-la, I can't hear you!”

“For fuck's sake, Theo, grow up!” Adam pulled his hands down angrily and didn’t loosen the grasp as he continued to shout, “We’re adults, and sooner or later this conversation…”

“Let me go!” Theo interrupted again, trying hard to break away from Adam’s clutch.

“Oh really? Actually, I’m trying to let you go really hard but you just… ”

“What? What do I just..? Have I ever done you any harm? What have I done to deserve this fight?”

“You’re not making any sense, that’s what you’re doing all the time! All I ask for is an explanation! And stop fucking interrupting me!” Adam yelled, feeling too close to slapping Theo in the face, “I can't handle this anymore, I can't stand this cruel game you’re playing with me...”

“Shut up! It’s not a fucking game!”

“I won't until...”

“Then I'll have to make you,” Theo pushed Adam into the wall and stopped his attempt to shout at him again with a rough kiss, grabbing his face so firmly that Adam's jaw and cheekbones hurt. This was just as unexpected as the first kiss he ever had given him in a sober state but completely opposite in everything else. Not giving him time to recover from shock and pain, both physical and emotional, Theo grabbed his bag and slipped away without a word. Adam was left suffering alone, his lips still red and swollen after the belligerent kiss that had felt more like a slap in the face. He was on the verge of an emotional breakdown and the only thing he wanted was to get away, to escape from those lies and evasions, to go back to the start when current problems could happen only in a freaky nightmare.

With nothing else to do, after a while of rethinking everything in a less emotional way, Adam sent Theo a text: “If you think you've just solved the problem, you're wrong”. No answer. Only after Adam showered and crawled under a blanket, the phone’s screen lighted up: “I wasn't trying to solve the problem. Because I don't see one.”. “I wish I didn’t,” Adam thought and turned back to the pillow but in a couple of minutes he was arisen by another message that took the puzzle to a whole new level: “At least, the problem is not where you think it is”.


	3. Play The Game

Fully dressed and wide awake, Adam was lying on his bed with a book that was neither interesting enough to capture his attention nor that boring to cradle him. Three hours of sleep at most hadn’t done him any good; now the morning came and Adam was wondering how he was going to spend the day since the plans to explore the city with Theo had probably been put aside till better times and Adam didn’t feel like walking along unfamiliar streets alone, relentlessly followed by the painful thought that Theo could have been near him if these two months hadn’t happened. Sleeping would be a perfect escape but at that point Adam couldn’t find a key to this world of wishful serenity so he had nothing to do but try to distract himself with local TV and the miserable book he had bought in the previous city.

After an hour or so that enthralling program was interrupted by a brief signal of a text message, and Adam knew the sender even before looking at the screen. “Are you awake? I need to talk to you. May I come?”. Theo’s intriguing words disturbed Adam’s recovering mental balance once again; yesterday’s fight seemed even more inapprehensible now, and the cryptic problem that Theo was bearing scared the hell out of Adam. The amount of problems between them was too high to handle another one. However, he sent Theo just a “Yeah” and headed towards the door, throwing the book away.

Silence oppressed both as they sat together on the bed, one hopelessly waiting, another looking for the right words. Adam stealthily watched Theo biting his lips and spinning the little comb nervously, which weren’t the best signs.

“Uh… Listen, Adam, I’ve thought it through this night as I didn’t sleep a lot and the first thing I’d like to say is that I’m really sorry.”

“If you want to apologize properly, be more specific. You know, you have a lot to be sorry for – behaving like some asshole kid while I was trying to talk to you, starting this damn game or, maybe, fucking me in the first place…”

“For god’s sake, stop before it turns into another fight,” Theo frowned crossly and tried to go on, “Probably I’m sorry for all of those but particularly about not understanding the point you were trying to make all this time. Well, not exactly – I’ve always felt your concern and that’s why I was avoiding this conversation. But I didn’t admit the meaning of it. I was being so self-centered and worried about my own feelings that I’ve hurt yours. That’s what I’m sorry for.”

Finally Theo made some sense and spoke like a grown man but still his words were rather evasive and they didn’t clarify the whole situation. What feelings? He spoke of them in context which equalized Theo’s feelings with Adam’s, and could this little slip of the tongue mean that…

“Well, I see. But you’re still being rather nonobjective. I accept your apology but it won’t do as an explanation I asked you for.”

For a moment Adam thought that Theo was going to leave again but he just started walking around the room fussily as if just the word ‘explanation’ itself brought him a panic attack. Their eyes didn’t meet even for a second, and, when Theo began to speak, he was looking at the wall so attentively as if it was a work of art.

“Adam, I’m bold enough to believe I know you rather well. So I see what’s your intent – you’re trying to… label whatever we’re having right now,” Theo found the right word after some time and finally looked at Adam, who was actually surprised by the choice.

“Label? What’s bad with that?”

“It’s not bad, it just doesn’t work for me. You want me to say that we’re a couple – but we are not and I doubt that we’ll ever be, I hope you understand it.”

Surely Adam did and he had never hoped for the opposite but still something inside him cracked and fell into a thousand sharp pieces which pierced him inside all around.

“I do. But there’s another thing I don’t understand – why did you start all this in the first place?”

“Uh, I… I don’t know,” the question baffled Theo a bit as he couldn’t really remember the original reason: in course of time it had become a dear habit but at first he hadn’t even pondered over the steps he had been taking, “It was so spontaneous, I just… felt like doing it. You looked so sad and I wanted to cheer you up somehow, it was obvious you wouldn’t mind so…”

“But I should have. What a weird consoler you are! Do you kiss all your friends who look sad?” Adam couldn’t help smirking while Theo obviously regretted deciding to have this conversation, getting more embarrassed with every word.

“Of course not, it was… Actually, I don’t know what it was… But I’d like to make it clear: I’m definitely not in… I don’t want to date you.”

In the middle of the sentence Theo stammered and preferred the absolute truth to the questionable statement. Adam could have taken the correction as a hint and understood even more than Theo himself did but unfortunately he was too heartsick to notice it.

“Okay,” Adam shrugged, trying to act as if he was still unbroken inside and not for a moment had he expected something else.

“What, just okay?”

“Well, I suppose I know you rather well too. I would be a fool to think you would so this isn’t a big surprise. But I still don’t understand you.”

Bemused, Theo sat near Adam again and looked at him fixedly, trying to understand himself, but it didn’t illuminate his mind; the thoughts were almost as turbid as they had been that drunk night which had started everything. In a sense these two months could be called an outrageously prolonged hangover.

“It seems I don’t understand myself either. Not all feelings can be put into words or even thoughts, you know.”

“Feelings?” Adam echoed with a bitter grin, “Poor word choice. It’s more of foolery.”

It took some moments for Theo to figure out whether the choice had really been poor.

“I swear, I didn’t want to hurt you,” Theo exclaimed and habitually grabbed Adam’s hand that was uncommonly cold and tense.

“Here you go again,” Adam heaved a sigh, looking at their hands united probably for the hundredth time that also had to become the last, “You have to stop doing all that if you don’t want to hurt me. It’s wrong on so many levels, can’t you see?”

Their hands drifted apart and some kind of regret and even remorse showed on Theo’s face. The complexity of his own thoughts and emotions was unbalancing; a part of him knew that Adam’s directive was right but at the same time Theo felt a slight sting, indicating he didn’t really want to give up the game that had become a notable part of his life.

“Why is everything I do wrong? I was just trying to make it better but eventually I’ve just fucked it up even more. And what should I do next? Every step I make is a predefined mistake. I don’t even know what I want anymore. Damn, Adam, I didn’t want any of this sick drama to happen to us!” he cried, and the speech was no longer nervous but close to hysteric and interrupted by choky sighs. Adam didn’t linger a second and hugged Theo in the same awkward but assuasive manner that he himself had been hugged by him a long time ago. The close embrace calmed Theo down as he buried his face in Adam’s shoulder that felt like home. He would have given anything to extend this moment, to spend all the day till the gig sitting silently on that bed in Adam’s arms, feeling his slightly accelerated heartbeat and never having to finish this talk. What touched him most was the fact that after all the pain Theo had caused, Adam was still here for him. No matter what was happening between them and where it was going, they were not less than best friends.

“Come on, Theo, it’s not that bad,” Adam began to soothe him, not moving over, “I understand, you were mixed-up, I was weak and compliant, it just happened… Okay, let’s just put aside explanations and try going back once more. It’s a game, right? You know, games have checkpoints where you can return and start again if something goes wrong. Let’s imagine we have those in real life and just go back,” he tried to be jocular inserting this inopportune analogy but Theo didn’t appreciate it and just shrugged.

“You can’t go back once you’ve saved the game,” Theo mumbled into Adam’s shoulder and it was hard to understand whether he picked up the parallel or just mentioned a random fact; Adam decided not to notice the comment and pulled away so he could look into Theo’s eyes.

“Listen, can you promise me one thing? Today after the gig you’ll go to some club, have a good time and find yourself a pretty girl. Our tour ends tonight and I want you to have fun, not to sit in your room alone and die of boredom.”

“But…” Theo tried to raised an objection but Adam just shook his head and kept talking:

“No, don’t worry about me, I have to let go after all and the break after the tour is a perfect chance to try again. I need a rest, so do you. The inevitable and also the most right thing to do was delayed too long. I really appreciate you giving up your nightlife for me but I suppose the opposite will do us both more good. You miss it, don’t you? Do you promise me to do that?”

“Probably you’re right,” Theo agreed after some reflections, “Okay, you have my word. Maybe you’ll join me?”

“What?”

“I mean, you could just do the same. How long has it been since you last had some fun?”

“Uh… I’d better stay here. I don’t go to clubs anymore not just because of you, maybe I’m just aging and those things are not so recreative anymore. It’s okay, I’ll find something to do.”

“Yeah, I see. So let’s go?” by force of habit, Theo grabbed Adam’s hand once again and pulled him to the door, impatient to finish this conversation, but instantly mended his ways, loosening the grip.

“Where?”

“Did you forget about our plans to explore the city today? I guess you’re really aging a bit too much,” Theo laughed, leaning against the door, and Adam walked to him timidly.

“But I thought…”

“Really? You thought a small fight, which, by the way, I consider settled, could intervene our plans? There’s no way I could allow it. Come on, move faster or we won’t have time to see everything I wanted to.”

***

The neon signboard was leaving bright flickering spots of light on Theo’s face as he was standing in front of the club and didn’t hasten to walk in. Some cute girls, crowding at the door, were granting him tempting smiles and looks but Theo hardly noticed these inviting signals, being too absorbed in self-reflection. Maybe he just grew out of habit or unconsciously followed Adam in his maturing; whatever the reason of his doubts was, Theo felt slight enmity for the place he was standing near. The pumping beat of the dance music coming from the inside, that used to resonate with his pulse, seemed strangely jarring and incongruous. Everything was out of line.

Just the thought of going in repelled Theo but actually he wasn’t thinking about his nearest plans a lot. Instead he was reviving those few hours before the gig and smiled absently at every detail that came to his mind: how Adam and he had reached the highest point of the city and had stayed there for some moments to admire the breathtaking view, how Theo had nearly fallen on their way down and had been caught up by his friend, as always, how then they had dropped by at a small café where the waitress had called them a couple and, curiously enough, not one of them had bothered to correct her. Currently their peaceful promenade appealed to Theo much more than wild fun with people he didn’t know and probably wouldn’t ever see again.

Though none of the words Theo had said earlier were untrue, soon he regretted keeping one issue, that could be the most important and also the most indefinable, to himself. The paralipsis seemed culpable at that moment, when he faced the obvious priorities upheaval, but in the morning Theo had been sure he had been doing the right thing because the revelation would have switched the game to the insane level. The insufferable feeling of guilt overtook him again as Theo realized that he had just extended his line of mistakes once again though the right decision still slipped away from him. “Fuck it!” he exclaimed in warm blood and headed back to the hotel, with nothing else to do.

***

Meanwhile Adam, alone in his room, was pondering over another possible mistake; perhaps Theo was right and they could go to the club together. He didn’t feel like it at all but it was still a better option than suffering of loneliness in his room. Another attempt to read the mediocre book failed really fast so Adam decided that going to sleep was the best he could do at the moment. He walked to the window to draw the curtains and lingered awhile, his attention grabbed by the fascinating night view of the city. It wasn’t the most beautiful place they had been to and additionally the memories would probably be darkenedby the strife they had had. But Adam wanted to remember that city not by that but by the lovely stroll they had had before the gig; it gave him hope that settling this affair up was possible.

Just a second before Adam turned away to go to bed, something drew his attention and he moved closer to the glass so he could see the hasty figure down below on the street moving towards the hotel. He recognized Theo instantly and turned to the clock at a loss – about 15-20 minutes passed since he had wished Adam goodnight and had departed to fulfil his promise; that amount of time would only be enough for going to the club door and leaving right away. What could possibly bring him back? Expecting Theo to knock on his door and carry him to the club in spite of previous objections, Adam moved to the door and listened but all he heard were speedy steps passing by and ending with a door bang. For a moment he wanted to check if his friend was alright but all of a sudden an inkling struck him; Adam smiled, not daring enough to believe his own thoughts.

“Did you get to the club safe? How is it?” he texted Theo in a couple of minutes so it wouldn’t be suspicious, eager to verify his guess. “Fine, I like it here” the untruthful reply satisfied Adam’s concern, and finally things gained some sense. “Oh Theo, you mixed-up kid…” Adam laughed to himself, “It’s just a question of time then”.


	4. A Question Of Time

The remarkably eventful tour officially ended which meant the long-awaited home was just a few hours away, and Adam greeted Theo in the hotel hall with the slyest smile one could ever expect of him.

“Well… did you have fun yesterday?” Adam asked, his meaningful grin making Theo really uncomfortable: could it be that his little secret had been exposed? He pretended to check if he had forgotten to put something into his bag so their eyes wouldn’t meet and replied a bit nervously:

“Yeah, I hella did. What are you smiling at so jubilantly?”

“I’m just glad you had a good time. Besides, I’m looking forward to going home and having a rest. Such a beautiful day!” Adam said dreamily and went outside, leaving Theo in slight astonishment as he hadn’t seen his friend so appeased for a quite a long time. “Seems like his moving on is having a head start,” he thought to himself, “If it really was a game, my chances of winning would have just decreased twice.”

***

A week after all Adam’s hopes were almost crumbled to dust. The audacious assumption suffered discrepancies every day and eventually Adam started to doubt its reasonableness. Not even once Theo called or texted him during that week – Adam expected anything but this. Wherever he went, he kept his hand on the phone as if it was a wrist of a deadly ill person, but no pulse was felt. Adam couldn’t find a logical explanation for this – Theo numbed him once again. The shock was so obnoxious that it took Adam a week to venture upon calling him first after a series of self-persuasions that Theo could have just gone traveling to some place where communication was rather poor. All his accounts being silent could support this version. But on the whole it wasn’t a satisfactory explanation: first of all, Theo would have told him about his plans, secondly, he wouldn’t have gone to such a godforsaken place.

“Hey,” Theo greeted him in a tone so surprised as if it was Adam who had dissolved into nothingness without any notifications and then materialized from thin air.

“Hi, Theo. How have you been? And, what’s more interesting, where have you been?”

“Mostly at home because I had some stuff to do, I also met friends who I hadn’t seen for a long time. Nothing special. You?”

“Same here. I also spent a significant amount of time wondering how a man can just disappear into nowhere,” Adam said tartly.

“What’s that pretension in your voice?”

“You could’ve called me at least once! I was worried and couldn’t even understand what was going on!”

“I just did what you asked me to.”

“Can’t remember asking you to vanish into air.”

“But you said you needed a break and I didn’t want to disturb it.”

The realization that Theo had just been following his instructions resignedly made Adam breathe a sigh of relief, followed by a little chuckle.

“If I’m being honest, it wasn’t an easy task to do. Several times I was close to losing it and calling you and today I probably would if you haven’t. I missed you,” Theo said so ingenuously that Adam almost felt his smile through the phone.

“I missed you too. So may I take my request back?”

“Very timely because I need to see you, there’re some sketches for a song I’d like to show you.”

“Couldn’t you just send them to me?”

Theo fell silent, slightly offended by this offer.

“Um, Adam… Considering what you said about going back, don’t you think it’s a bit too far?”

“No, no,” the nostalgic remark made Adam laugh, “I mean, you could send them to me earlier this week without even having to talk to me or, as you say, disturb my break.”

“Oh, come on, it’s not an option. Grab your guitar and come to my place. No objections or delays are accepted.”

***

In fact delays were not only accepted but arranged by the host himself who firstly hugged Adam till his ribs ached, ingeminating how much he had missed him, and then insisted on tasting some odd tea that one of his friends had brought him as a present from abroad. Apparently the redolent beverage had some side effects because Theo’s talking was even more perpetual than ever and he went on babbling about random stuff for a few hours while Adam just chuckled graciously and threw glances at Theo’s lips from time to time, not really listening to what they were uttering. Then Theo accidentally knocked his cup off the table in such a bumbling way that tea drowned half of the kitchen, including a part of Theo’s T-shirt, but he just laughed and proceeded to clean the mess. Lamps and windows lightening up outside sobered Adam up from his ambrosial drowsiness and he asked hesitantly:

“Maybe it’s time to get to the song you wanted to show me?”

“Ah, sure. Sorry, I got carried away,” Theo smiled disarmingly, putting the mop away, and invited Adam to the living room.

As they were sitting on the couch and listening to the drafts, Adam couldn’t get rid of a strange feeling. Vague depressing memories poured all over him but their origin slipped away from him. Theo noticed the wistful look on his face.

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty nice but… could I hear it before?”

“Well, I would be surprised if you didn’t like it because it’s mostly your song,” Theo made an astounding avowal and smiled, “I added some parts but the idea belongs to you. Come on, I can’t believe you don’t remember it!”

“Wait, isn’t it the improvisation I was doing back then before the gig the day when… well,  _that_  day?” Adam guessed and grabbed his guitar rapidly to revive the melody that had become even more beautiful after Theo’s alterations, retaining the heartwarming tenderness but brightening its desperate tone and gaining soft notes of hope.

“Right you are,” Theo replied, watching Adam’s fingers strumming the strings, and rose a trifle as if he intended to interrupt the music with a kiss just like then which Adam wouldn’t mind at all but eventually Theo sat back and looked away. Repeating this gesture without any preceding explanations for the third time would be too thoughtless. “This tune’s stuck in my mind since then. I’ve been editing it throughout the tour but most of the work was done during this week. Something about it slipped away from me at first but then I picked up the right spirit and knew how it should sound. I’m truly in love with this song, you know. It could be one of the best things we’ve done together.”

The soulful speech fit really well with the music background Adam was creating but he stopped playing as soon as silence fell and stared at Theo, wondering if it was just the song he was talking about or there was some undertone, but his motionless face didn’t drop a hint.

“Well, what can I say? You’ve got it right and it sounds even better now. Great job!” Adam admitted with a smile and put the guitar away, “What about the lyrics?”

Theo took a folded paper out of his pocket and handed it to him; some lines were repeatedly crossed, several words were written so crookedly that Adam understood it had been a tentative choice while others looked bold and rigorous but on the whole that text gave him the same weird impression. The further he read, the more relevant and unbearable the question in his head became, nonetheless he kept it to himself and just said briefly:

“Beautiful.”

“That’s all?” Theo grumbled and turned to Adam with an anguished face of an unappreciated artist.

“What else should I say? Was I supposed to stand up and applaud or, I don’t know, burst into tears? It’s moving and enchanting, just great for this tune. I like it, that’s all.”

“Your face says otherwise. Tell me the truth, Adam. I’ll write something else if you don’t like it.”

“No, I really do!” Adam cried, unexpected blush covering his face, “Though there’s one thing… Okay, it may be weird a question but… Is it about us?”

A gamine smile curved Theo’s lips as he changed his sitting position so that Adam’s flummoxed profile would be in front of his eyes.

“Well, what do you think?”

“I think that people tend to see their obsessions in everything so I can’t be objective, you know,” he discoursed and felt quiet laughter somewhere around his crimsoned cheek, “But really, there’re so many coincidences! This line is definitely about us, I remember that day very clearly… these also fit well,” Adam pointed at different places on the paper fussily, “And those are exact words I told you once, how could I forget? I’m not so sure about this place but… I mean, everything is so familiar and…” he stopped, stuttering, “Sorry, I’m certainly exaggerating… Just forget about everything I’ve said.”

“No, I won’t,” Theo stood up in front of Adam, still keeping the wily smile, “Because everything you’ve said is true.”

They stared at each other in complete silence until Adam had another look at the paper, crumpled between his anxious fingers, and protested faintly:

“But the character’s attitude and the whole concept of the song seem like quite another story. He seems… in love.”

“Most likely he is but this time you’re wrong. There was only one story and, may I say, only one source of inspiration,” Theo explained patiently and gave his slow-witted muse a look so hinting and intent that Adam jumped up as if he had been stung and almost knocked his guitar off to the floor but didn’t notice the sharp bawl coming from the strings. On the contrary, Theo stayed calm and just enjoyed watching his embarrassed friend balancing the possibilities.

“Let me get this straight,” Adam uttered as Theo’s grin started driving him mad, “This song is basically a tricky message to me?”

“Not so straight, actually, but yeah, kind of,” Theo smirked at him and that naughty look became the last straw.

“Bastard!” Adam blurted out and ran into his arms, pushing Theo to the wall with a kiss so wild and passionate as if he wanted to compensate all his misty hopes and desperate waiting with this single moment. Nevertheless, either knew it wasn’t going to be just a moment, the embrace getting as intimate as never before, and Theo’s hand slipped to the buttons of Adam’s shirt, almost tearing them off with his agile fingers. Being safely jammed between the wall and Adam who wasn’t going to leave his lips before long, Theo adroitly wrapped his legs around Adam’s waist, eager to get as close as he could, to surrender to his control. If Adam didn’t hold him tight enough, Theo might have fallen badly, but even though the precious burden was a bit too weighty, Adam enclasped him reliably and didn’t pause the kiss even for a second.

In a while he got tired and carried Theo to the bedroom almost not looking away from Theo’s eyes: Adam knew the apartment as if it was his own, he even remembered the map of dangerous places where random stuff was always scattered and avoided those obstacles smoothly while Theo distracted him with dirty whispering. The astute tempter was thrown on the bed promptly in mid-sentence and Adam joined him, ripping off his T-shirt in the first place and leaving intricate zigzags of melting kisses all over the exposed skin that smelled slightly like the luscious tea Theo had spilt on himself earlier. Maddeningly slow and tenacious, Adam’s hands slid up along Theo’s thighs, and then he unbuckled the leather belt, simultaneously moving up to his lips again and muffling a close-mouthed moan of impatience. As the movements grew shamelessly electrifying, Theo breathed heavier, suffocated by desire, and his obscene sighs drove Adam insane in addition to the whole situation of Theo being arousingly submissive and finally surrendering to the repressed yearning. Both still had questions to ask but every touch pushed the contemplation away. Passion can’t stand questions.

***

The tempestuous night had cooled down at least an hour ago but sleep didn’t come to Theo who lay with his eyes open and already accustomed to darkness, hugging his dormant friend around the waist possessively, and gazed at a bluish reflection of moonlight on Adam’s pale face. Withholding the actual confession and surrogating it with an unarticulated insinuation was the concern keeping him awake though another option didn’t appeal to Theo either. A slight smile beautified the quiescent lips that had been so impassioned a while ago and Theo wondered what Adam was dreaming of and if he was a part of those dreams – and actually hoped for it. A spontaneous trail of kisses on the sleeper’s cheekbone made him utter an interrogative hum, and Theo whispered: “It’s just me, keep sleeping.” Balancing on the edge of slumber and reality, Adam opened his eyes mistrustfully to check if it really was Theo who was cuddling and kissing him so gently; the beloved figure in the dark brought him relief and ease. “Yeah, I probably should… Or the dream will go away,” Adam muttered drowsily, hugging Theo closer, and fell asleep again, leaving him with the fear that their dreams and, to be more precise, expectations of this relationship still were slightly different.


	5. Choices And Decisions

The question whether last night had been real made Adam afraid to open his eyes as he knew the worst part of such beautiful dreams was waking up and carrying on. Seeing his own lonely room and the painful space in the bed would be too devastating. Opening his eyes and finding himself in Theo’s flat, Adam heaved a sigh of relief, though the host was not beside him but, judging by the noise and a sweetish smell, in the kitchen, trying his best at culinary arts.

Adam put on his clothes, sneaked there and hid behind the doorpost to watch the funny cooking show without Theo knowing. The latter was standing by the stove in his underpants, humming some song, and making pancakes. Surprisingly, he had been doing well up to this moment: a pile of pancakes on a plate looked massive and, what’s more remarkable, edible. But Adam knew Theo too well to be convinced that the experiment was going to have a happy ending so he kept waiting with a smile. And he was right – getting too involved in humming and swinging along, Theo knocked off the bowl with dough and ended up covered in the light substance from the waist down. The expression on his face was so helpless and embarrassed that Adam couldn’t help bursting into laughter, and Theo rapidly turned to him, looking like a naughty kid who had just been caught red-handed by his parents.

“You should be banned from kitchens,” Adam laughed genially as Theo fled to the bathroom, blushing and smiling at the same time, “Something always happens.”

“I was doing that for you, silly! You could be more gracious,” Theo said a bit resentfully and gave Adam a frisky butt-slap. His way to the bathroom got fenced by Adam’s arms so he stopped and looked into his eyes, filled with playfulness.

“Not so fast, you jackanapes, first you’ll answer for that slap,” Adam threatened with a smile and leaned closer but Theo prevented the move with a hand on his chest.

“Watch out, you’ll get drabbled in dough,” he said and moved to Adam’s ear cautiously, “But since I have to shower anyway and the bath is big enough… And if you’re not very fond of my culinary experiments… I could please you in a different way. How about that?”

His low and tempting voice didn’t really match the way he looked: bits of flour rested on his hands and disheveled hair like snow, at least half of his skin was covered in dough and a couple of sugar grains hid at his mouth corners.

“You look like an unbaked cake,” Adam smiled, making a step backwards to the bathroom door, and Theo followed him with a naughty chuckle.

“Well, since baking basically means hardening from heat – then I’m already starting to bake.”

***

“So are we a couple now or what?” Adam decided to clarify once again as they were sitting on that very couch where the sorting things out had taken place the day before. This time Theo was not sitting at the opposite end of it and creating a structure of insinuations but laying his head on Adam’s chest in placid silence, with the exception of the TV quietly playing some music videos.

“What,” Theo replied after a pause, deciding he couldn’t come up with a better word.

“What?”

“I said – what.”

“Stop whatting, do you mean you still don’t know what this is? Again?” Adam asked annoyedly and Theo raised his head.

“I do. Actually, I told you yesterday. And proved my words right away.”

“So what’s the problem?”

The music from the TV vanished as Theo clicked the button and let out a deep sigh, determined to dot the i’s and cross the t’s at last.

“I don’t want us to be a couple, that’s it. Though everything I said and did before still stands.”

“W-w-why don’t you?”

“Because it would change too many things. And by ‘change’ I mean ‘spoil’. To be honest, I want us to keep what we have but… let’s just avoid these labels and go with the flow, okay?”

“But it’s happening, whatever you call it. By the way, what else can you call it? Friends with benefits? No way,” Adam objected firmly.

“No, of course not. I don’t know what to call it – besides, I don’t want to call it anything. I’m good at affairs but relationships are not my cup of tea. What we’re having is somewhere in between and I don’t want it to move in either direction. Nowise it could be just an affair but I’m afraid I’m going to fail if we start an actual relationship. This kind of stability frightens me.”

Understanding Theo throughout their – affair, relationship, whatever – had been hard from the very start but somehow he managed to strike Adam even more every time he thought that this situation couldn’t get any more complicated.

“Why do you think you’d fail? Would you cheat on me?” even the question itself hurt Adam as it was based on the thought that Theo didn’t love him enough.

“You’re forgetting that I’ve been faithful to you for two months and the relationship issue wasn’t even brought up most of this time. Would I cheat now? What do you think?” Theo gave him a look of annoyance by being mistrusted.

“I think you’re afraid of responsibilities.”

“Maybe. But I’m much more afraid of you being disappointed in me. I mean, you know most of my flaws well but as soon as we start a relationship they’ll be like multiplied by two and you will also find lots of new ones. All this time you were beside me, tolerating my infantile games and consoling me even when you yourself were suffering – because of me again, and I was just fucking things up and upsetting you. Do you really want this to be your routine?”

The feeling of guilt showed through every word of his speech. Adam watched Theo lower his head in sorrow and couldn’t believe that his friend, who was so self-loving now and then, obviously thought he wasn’t good enough.

“Listen to me carefully, Theo,” Adam said, lifting Theo’s face with his hands and looking into the dark eyes fixedly, “I do know your flaws. Yeah, you’re restless, loud, childish and really annoying at times on the whole. But imperfection is human. I love everything about you and all those features aren’t solely flaws for me. When you don’t stop talking for hours, I’m not irritated but comfortable because I’m not a very good speaker and listening appeals to me more. When you do or say something awkward, you make me smile, not blush of shame. When you stumble for no reason or hurt yourself, I want to stay near you so I could protect you from anything that could happen. I’ve known you for years and throughout this whole time I haven’t found a single thing that could turn me away from you. You’re not perfect and nobody is, but you’re perfect for me and that’s what matters. I don’t want you to change. If being with you is wrong, then I don’t want to be right; if it’s a torture, then I’ll better become a masochist than ever leave you.”

Even a third of what Adam wanted to say wasn’t spoken aloud and he could keep spend the day talking about everything that had been suppressed for months and still not be done by evening but it was enough to irradiate the dispirited face with a smile. Climbing on Adam’s lap, Theo put an arm around his neck and snickered.

“Was mentioning masochism really necessary? Don’t you think it’s a bit too fast-moving, isn’t it?”

“Fuck off,” Adam laughed, playfully leaning away from the smiling lips but eventually surrendering to the loving kiss that kept both silent for some minutes until Theo moved away with a sudden offer:

“Shall we go to the studio today? I suppose we can record some parts of the song by now.”

“But, Theo… Is it so urgent?” Adam moaned, discouraged, and hugged Theo tighter but he still managed to slip between his arms and get away.

“Yeah, it is, you know how rapidly the greatest ideas slip away. Don’t worry, we have all the time in the world for everything else,” Theo said, understanding the reason of Adam’s disillusionment, and kissed him once again.

***

“Well, I guess, that’s all for now, we’ll do other parts later,” Theo concluded after they had spent the whole day working on a single song so meticulously as never before but neither was querulous about it; this song was too significant for both of them to have any slightest imperfections. In spite of all the efforts, they still had a lot to do, and Adam brought up the first point in the list of needed alterations:

“I still don’t understand what’s the deal with the bridge. Do we add the guitar or not? I’ve recorded this part anyway.”

“Nope. I’ve already told you that it sounds better just with synths.”

“Can’t agree with you. Synths are fine but it’s the guitar that brings the necessary emotion to the part.”

“To my mind, it brings a bit too much and the part sounds overloaded so my answer still stands.”

“Too much emotions? Since when is emotionality an undesirable feature for our music?”

“I’m not saying it’s undesirable in general but this exact place is supposed to be more restrained and smooth so no, guitar is definitely not happening here.”

“Whose tune is it, anyway?” Adam asked, Theo’s stubbornness and disinclination to compromise irritating him.

“Ours,” Theo gave the right answer with a face so startled as if Adam was expecting something else.

“Exactly. So both opinions should matter, right?”

By that time the musical collision didn’t bother Theo that much for there were more important things to be worried about. Was it all really just about a short guitar track? Deep inside Theo had nothing against it; moreover, he was touched by its sensitive sounds that were the closest to the original version of the song which once had sneaked into his heart to blossom thereafter. It was not the advantage of the guitar he was denying, but the feeling that it aroused, that very feeling which he hadn’t even had courage to name the day before. In some measure Theo regretted it because Adam deserved much more than shadowy hints and sporadic flirtations but mending his ways required time; the only thing he did right then was nothing more than admitting his mistake:

“Okay, add the guitar. You’re right, it could improve the part.”

“Very considerate of you, thanks,” Adam noticed with a smile and turned to the screen to fix the tracks.

“My pleasure,” Theo said, watching the process interestedly. As the final version of the bridge started playing, he took a glance at Adam whose absorbedness in music was truly fascinating. He didn’t even blink as if a slightest movement could destroy the fragile spirit of the song, but Theo’s hand bashfully lying over his couldn’t be a violation. When the recording stopped, Adam gave Theo a victorious look.

“I told you it would be better this way.”

“Indeed it is. And since we’re talking about improvements…” Theo dared to raise the inconclusive topic again, “About what you said in the morning… Possibly you were right then as well. Does the offer still stand, by the way?”

“Oh, Theo…” Adam sighed and disclosed the unutterable feeling in a close hug, not even hoping to find the right words to express the happiness that was overflowing him. Lying in Adam’s warmhearted embrace, Theo felt the same, and their hearts beat in sync, one finally overtaking the pace of another. Almost for the first time in months Theo knew he had done the right thing and no regrets tantalized him at last.


	6. Encryption

Soon after they started a relationship Adam found out what Theo was talking about when he was not so enthusiastic about naming what was going on between them. Till then they had been sure there was nothing left to learn about each other but that was a huge fallacy: as soon as they became closer than friends, a whole new world opened to both of them, and the surprises were both nice and not very enjoyable. Every day they were discovering new sides of each other but, fortunately, there wasn’t a single finding that could drift them apart. There was only one thing that let Adam down: not even once did Theo actually say that he loved him and that was quite a bothering detail. “Actions speak louder than words,” Adam kept repeating to himself, and, indeed, he couldn’t complain about most of his actions; Theo was just as tender, thoughtful and enthusiastic as a man in love would be. However, he could verify his feelings with words too at least once so Adam would get rid of his continuous doubts. As for Adam himself, he stopped repeating the confession after some time because it hurt not to get any reply.

They didn’t tell anyone about their relationship: Adam preferred to keep such things low-key and Theo couldn’t even fully admit it to himself. Not long after getting together they had an interview that didn’t differ from previous ones a lot until the question whether they were dating someone was raised.

“Yeah,” Adam said shortly and looked away to signify the topic had been closed for him.

“No,” Theo shook his head and instantly felt the hand, resting behind his back until then, giving him a slight pinch, “Wait, I’m in a long-term relationship with music, does that count?” he added with a giggle and turned to Adam as if asking him whether he had understood the true meaning of his words.

“I guess it does,” Adam said, supposing evasive jokes were still better than nothing.

But the nebulous denial didn’t prevent Theo from teasing Adam in public, though always keeping the perfect balance at the edge of indecency. Theo was deft enough in choice of moments, actions and words so that nobody else would understand what was going on, and Adam was thankful at least for some moderation. Once they went to a pub with common friends who had no slightest idea about what was going on between these two (actually, the meeting gave some of them slightest ideas). The company was sitting in a booth, drinking and chatting, and at one moment Theo decided to make use of the broad table, covering their legs completely, and put his hand on Adam’s lap, gaining a prompt cheerful look from him. As the conversation went on just like before and the amount of empty glasses increased, Theo got more and more bold, caressing Adam’s thigh so importunately as if they were at home and his purpose was quite obvious. When his frolicsome fingers started playing with the pants zipper, Adam couldn’t keep silent anymore.

“Stop it, you’re drunk,” he whispered, turning to him, and what he saw was a disregarding smile.

“Not drunk and not going to stop.”

“What are you aiming for? A quickie in the pub toilet?”

“Oh, public sex, that’s hot!” Theo exulted in a quiet voice and still got a kick under the table for being too indiscreet; but the speaking around went on as if nothing was happening.

“Hush! And, by the way, you haven’t seen that toilet, there’s nothing hot about it…”

“It’s not the place that matters, you know.”

“Ha-ha, still not going to happen,” Adam declared and Theo put his head on his shoulder as a sign of reconciling, “What are you doing? I thought we wanted to keep it undercover.”

“I don’t care what they think. The only opinion that matters is yours. I could stand up and come out right now if you want it.”

“Not really,” Adam smiled and took his naughty hand, “But… I appreciate that.”

What really gladdened him was the fact that Theo was changing bit by bit; more precisely, not changing – actually he was more true to himself then ever – but accepting himself and their relationship. The time he spent with his other friends slowly decreased so Adam no longer had to either sit at home alone and wait or follow him and waste time in boredom. At first it was like Theo invented a time limit they were allowed to be together as if he was afraid that an excess of communication could harm them; but then all the limits were crashed by the mutual need to spend every single minute together. Eventually he just showed up at Adam’s door with a suitcase, much to his friend’s pleasant surprise, and commented:

“That would be more beneficial, don’t you think?”

“You bet,” Adam answered laconically, giving him the most tender welcome hug, “I love you.”

“I l… I’m glad you approve,” Theo stuttered when the highly anticipated words were ready to be said and felt the hug cooling off. That made him feel really bad but he just couldn’t cope with himself and finally say it out loud. An inexplicable fear was holding him back from that major move. He was afraid to step over the dangerous border of “in love” and just “love” for this road has no way back.

***

“Hey, a curious thought’s just crossed my mind,” Theo uttered, his head lying on Adam’s lap during a break in their movie marathon.

“What is it?”

“We never really talked about that night, the first night we spent together.”

An involuntary snicker left Adam’s lips, indicating the oddity of the sudden topic that seemed to be left far behind.

“What’s there to talk about? You were drunk as fuck but not too drunk to fuck. That’s the point.”

“But how did we end up in one bed together? Really, Adam, I still can’t remember a thing and it’s probably an amusing story…”

“Yeah, amusing… It’s the right word,” Adam laughed again, his look becoming unfocused and clouded with memories.

“And I’ve always wanted to know how it all started. You said you had been in love with me for some time but never told me since when exactly. And… why. I mean, you didn’t just wake up one day with a desire for your best friend, did you?”

“Back then I didn’t but now it’s my permanent waking up condition.”

“Whoa, easy, there, you sound like a sex maniac. It’s not that I object though,” Theo sat up and moved closer to Adam, watching him bite his lips temptingly, but lingered an inch away from his face, holding his chin softly, “So? How did you fall in love with me?”

“You’re strangely inquisitive today, Theo,” Adam wondered, staring at his lips, “Well, I can’t give you an exact day or even an exact week. It was a dark time in my life, I had a really bad breakup and several more problems to be depressed about but you… You were there for me and you brought me back to life. Only by your side did I feel comfortable and peaceful. One day I realized that all this time you had been the only person I needed to be happy. If you’re interested, I can’t really remember when it got out of the platonic zone.”

Having finished the little yet sincere speech, Adam waited for the silently promised kiss but Theo looked dispelled and didn’t notice the anticipation right in front of him. The explanation didn’t help Theo understand himself as much he had hoped it would; however similar and close they were, their feelings didn’t always rhyme perfectly. After a while Adam took the silence as a signal to continue the story so he sighed compliantly.

“Okay, as you wish… I’ll tell you.”

***

That time they arrived in the city the day before the gig so in the evening the band headed out to examine the local nightlife, inspired by numerous rapturous talks which turned out to be utterly true. Shortly everyone was screwed up and rowdy; everyone except for Adam who hadn’t even wanted to go with them at first and joined the gang only because of nothing else to do. He stopped regretting that decision as soon as he saw Theo standing on a table among empty glasses and waving his arms as if they were wings.

“I believe I can fly!” he yelled and tried to take off as Adam ran there just in time to prevent the one-way flight and pulled the tipsy body down to the floor.

“I think you’ve had enough, little bird, time to fold your wings,” Adam said and led Theo towards the door but the drinker broke away and ran into some girl he had been chatting to before and complained:

“He doesn’t let me fly! Why would my best friend be so cruel to me?”

“For a start, because we have a gig tomorrow and I don’t think performing with crutches will be very comfortable,” Adam basically tore Theo off the girl and guided him to the exit firmly, “We’re going back to the hotel now, you need to rest before tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to, it’s cool here! Adam, leave me alone!” Theo moaned, being hauled outside through the rambunctious crowd, but Adam just shook his head and crammed the drunkard into a taxi. Sitting on a cozy backseat and watching the tranquil streets flying by in the window seemed to pacify him little by little. Theo slid down the backrest and came to a halt at Adam’s shoulder, causing a negligible wince.

“I feel like my head is a huge rock…”

“That’s why we’re going back to the hotel, actually,” Adam said, guardedly watching Theo verify his words with a downfall to his lap, “Do you even feel comfortable being crooked like this?”

“Yeah… luxury…” he muttered without a shade of sarcasm and closed his eyes. All the way to the hotel Theo didn’t change his position while Adam kept fidgeting in attempts to figure out where he should put his hands not to be inappropriate. That concern was needless: at the moment he could touch Theo anywhere or even undress him and he wouldn’t say a word. When they finally reached the destination, Adam paid the driver and started pulling Theo out of his sleeping place.

“Come on, Theo, we’re almost there. Get out of the car.”

After a series of disgruntled moans Theo put his hands on the ground and crawled out to stretch on the pavement. Making himself comfortable, he smiled pacifically:

“I’ll rather stay here.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! You can’t sleep on a pavement, stand up!”

“Why can’t I? Here I am, sleeping on a pavement… Well, almost sleeping because you’re way too loud…”

“You’re such an idiot,” Adam had nothing left to do but carry the stubborn tippler in his arms. The sudden elevation woke Theo up instantly.

“Wait, what are you doing?” he cried, shuffling vigorously.

“Carrying you to your room since your love for sleeping in weird places has grown impermissible. If you don’t stop wiggling, I may drop you on the floor accidentally. Or deliberately. It depends.”

“Okay, as you say, just don’t drop me,” Theo complied and wrapped his arms around Adam’s neck to facilitate but reached the opposite effect as Adam stumbled with no apparent reason and almost bumped into a wall, “Hey, watch your step!”

“Sorry, it’s just… a carpet crinkle…” Adam blushed and walked on more carefully. His safe and gentle grip made Theo relax completely.

“Now I see why girls like this.”

“I wouldn’t mind being transported directly to my door too.”

“I mean, you’re so strong… and reliable… and stuff…”

“Should I take it as a compliment? Anyway, here’s your room and here’re your keys – lucky that you gave them to me, otherwise you would have lost them. Stay safe and goodnight,” Adam said, landing Theo near the door, but he just slithered down and sat on the floor with his arms crossed, just like a stubborn child who didn’t want to go to sleep.

“Nope, too soon for goodnights. You’re not finished yet. Just a couple of meters to go.”

“Ridiculous,” Adam laughed at the scene and shook his head unapprovingly. As soon as he carried Theo into the room and closed the door with his back, the situation broke out of control – at least, Theo did.

“That’s much better. I feel like a bride on the wedding night,” he chuckled, while Adam was trying to put the grasping body on the bed, and gave him a facetious cheek kiss that his drunk mind considered a nice sign of friendly gratitude.

“Well, I wouldn’t like my bride to lie on the pavement at night and, first of all, drink so much,” Adam smiled, breaking away after several failed attempts, but Theo seized the edge of his shirt and gave him a naughty upward look.

“So what would you like your bride to do? I’m yours to command.”

“Uh… I guess, I’ll discuss that with my bride as soon as I find one but not with my best friend who is drunk enough to consider himself my bride. Goodnight, Theo.”

“What? Goodnight? Aren’t you going to stay with me?” Theo said, still grasping Adam’s shirt and therefore sliding across the bed slowly as Adam was trying to get away, “What if I feel bad? Are you leaving me alone to die? I don’t want to die alone!”

“You won’t die, silly. There were much worse times. Just have some sleep and you’ll be alright by tomorrow unless you don’t set me loose now because otherwise I’ll have to hit you.”

“I’m just a helpless drunkard, why would you hit me?” Theo crawled to the edge of the bed and stood on his knees, leaning his hands on Adam’s chest. Yet the stance was rather groggy so, seared by the temptation, Adam secured it with his hands on Theo’s shoulders.

“Of course, I wouldn’t. But you’re fooling around too much.”

“We could fool around together…”

Their faces were so close that the noses bumped every time Theo swung drunkenly. His lips smelled more intoxicating than all the drinks he had had and that almost balanced their levels of fuddle. If only Adam had been at least half as drunk as Theo was, he wouldn’t have hesitated a second to kiss those inebriant lips; but sobriety kept him away from the move they would both regret. On the contrary, restraint and reason couldn’t bother Theo less at the moment.

“I haven’t thanked you for the ride yet, by the way,” Theo muttered as if to justify the distance between their lips reducing but at the last moment Adam put his hand on Theo’s cheek to stop him, looking regretful about being so rational at the most inopportune time.

“Don’t. I’m too sober for this kind of gratitude,” he mumbled and avoided looking into Theo’s eyes that could easily intoxicate him to the needed condition. But Theo didn’t give up on the random wish.

“If it’s only drunkenness you’re lacking, I can share,” he smiled and pressed his lips against Adam’s. Theo was implying no more than a slight graze that could actually pass for something trifling but Adam couldn’t be that neutral any longer. His hand slid down Theo’s neck and delayed his leave. The tender feeling, which had never been spoken in words, expressed through his soft lips and Theo would have understood it if he hadn’t been that drunk but all he could feel is that the kiss was truly good, not the implication behind it.

“What an amazing kisser you are! Any chance for a sequel?” he chuckled as soon as his lips were free again, “If so, I have an idea about improving it because my knees are starting to ache…”

All of a sudden Theo moved aside and pulled Adam harshly, making him fall on the bed. Stunned, he lay on his back and just stared at Theo with his mouth agape, incapable of showing any resistance. Theo climbed the dazed figure to continue the kiss even more fervently but rose his head before long and gave Adam a sly smile.

“Is there something in your pocket or are you just really happy about kissing me?”

“Go fuck yourself,” Adam grumbled, vexed by the unplanned and shameful exposure.

“I’d better fuck you if the circumstances are so suitable.”

“That’s it, I’m done. Let me go!”

“No way!” Theo protested and squeezed his kicking friend harder, “You’re contradicting yourself! Really, Adam, there’s nothing bad about it and I don’t mind if you want us to bang…”

“Damn, how much have you had? I don’t want us to bang!”

“However, your body says otherwise,” Theo noted, undoing upper buttons on Adam’s shirt, and laid kisses along his collarbone; the action required some persistence because Adam didn’t stop bucking.

“It’s all wrong, Theo…”

“I’ve never been searching for the right.”

“You’re not even gay!”

“I’m… flexible,” Theo said, laughing at his own choice of words, while his hands continued the journey downwards.

“What?! You could’ve told me about your… flexibility!”

“I didn’t have any cases of particular flexibility, to be honest, but as far as I can… feel… we’re in the same state right now. And you didn’t tell me anything too.”

“You’re too drunk to know what you’re doing, you’ll regret it later,” Adam almost begged the snuggling tippler as the meager remains of self-control left him along with pieces of clothing.

“I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

“But we’re friends!”

“It’s never late to add some benefits.”

At last Adam ran out of excuses. Brain lost the battle to heart and Theo’s shameless hands met no resistance. Instead of reciting the reasons to stop, Adam was inventing excuses to go on: it wasn’t such a big deal, apparently Theo wouldn’t remember it the next day and, even if he would, it’s clear that most of the initiative had been coming from him so Adam was guiltless. The arguments kept circulating in his head but not for long – those skilful, passionate hands slithering along his body didn’t leave a slightest chance for his mind to stay focused.

***

“And next?” Theo asked impatiently when Adam had been silent for too long, signifying the end of the story.

“Do I really have to detail?”

“Well, it’s not like I suddenly sobered up the moment you stopped bickering so…”

“Nope,” Adam turned to Theo with a lazy teasing smile, “First of all, I’m not good at erotic stories and, then, why tell if I can show you?”

“Oh, that’s where it’s coming,” Theo laughed, “Okay, I like that option as well.”

“But only in outline because some details should be left out.”

“What details? Did I do something wrong?”

“Kind of. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now because you don’t do it anymore.”

For a minute or longer Theo stared at Adam with his eyebrows raised, intrigued and a bit frightened by the nameless mistake. Had it really been that embarrassing that Adam refused to tell about it?

“If you’re wondering – and I know you are – it’s not purely sexual. It’s a more global thing and… well, things have changed a lot,” Adam said, having noticed puzzlement on Theo’s face, and cuddled him affectionately, “Don’t worry, everything’s fine now. So what’s the next thing on our movie marathon?”

“Let’s see,” Theo replied and stood up to look through the pile of disks. He didn’t really pay attention to the titles, being too busy in drawing the conclusion to the story. The reason why he had initially asked for it were his attempts to understand himself right from the start. What had become the turning point for them? That weird and ardent night? The mild kiss in the dressing room? Or, maybe, Theo’s noble decision to stop meeting girls so Adam wouldn’t get hurt? The original story being told, Theo was starting to think all this might have had a much earlier start than he thought. Why on Earth would he seduce his best friend, even being drunk as hell, if there hadn’t been any slightest reasons for that?

“What sobriety conceals, alcohol reveals, as they say,” Theo murmured musingly, wondering if he really had said it aloud, and turned to Adam as if asking whether the proverb was right. It took some moments for Adam to understand him, and then he let out a little smile.

“That’s true. Then you owe me a story too, I guess.”

***

“I shouldn’t have let him,” Adam thought to himself a minute after their heated bodies had separated, “He’s just so easily aroused that anyone would do. It doesn’t mean a thing to him,” he pondered, looking at the pleased face beside him as their heavy breathing went in unison. Theo turned to him lazily, and it hurt Adam to notice that his look was completely different from what he had seen a while ago. It was no longer frisky, inviting and even a trifle amorous but flat and nonchalant as if Theo began to sober up.

“I’ll go to my room,” Adam said, disillusioned, and rose but Theo grabbed his hand and objected with a yawn:

“No, why? Stay here.”

That indifferent yawn hurt even more – however, Adam obeyed. He moved closer to Theo and put a hopeful hand around his waist but that didn’t cause a slightest reaction. Once again Theo turned his head to see a cheerless expression, the reason of which he honestly didn’t understand.  According to him, everything was fine and Theo couldn’t comprehend what had disappointed Adam.

“Sorry if I hurt you,” he mumbled the best that had come to his mind.

“You didn’t,” Adam replied because admitting the opposite and explaining the way Theo had hurt him would be too complicated – anyway, he wouldn’t have understood it in the state he was. The intimacy wasn’t bad or painful but it was overshadowed by a contradiction: Adam wanted to make love but Theo just wanted to bang. His actions contained nothing affectionate and all the touches were painfully dominant and egocentric. He was rough – not that rough to cause excessive physical pain but enough to hurt Adam emotionally.   
Earlier tender moments had aroused slight hopes that they could end up together but then, watching Theo fall asleep without another word, he knew it had been nothing but a confirmation of the opposite. As the fragments flashed through his mind, Adam understood what a big mistake it had been. “We will never be together,” he thought, aggravating his own suffering, “It was just a singular accident. At least, for him it was nothing more. Oh Theo, why don’t you just go away…” Adam asked the inexplicably passionate lover in his mind, “You don’t even love me the way I love you and you never will. It’s a deadlock.”

***

“Adam! Adam, wake up!” Theo said louder and louder, not willing to watch Adam fidgeting and muttering things anymore. The dream faded away frame by frame, and Adam opened his eyes, breathing so heavily as if he had just run away from a killer. As soon as Adam distinguished Theo’s worried face in the dark, the peaceful present eclipsed the uneasy past and he calmed down a bit.

“A nightmare?” Theo wondered, looking at him in a concerned way, “You’ve been fidgeting for some time. One of your kicks woke me up.”

“Sorry… Yeah, it wasn’t a very good dream.”

“Also you were muttering something more or less distinctly. You told me to go away.”

“Only in a nightmare could I say this to you,” Adam reassured him but anxiety didn’t leave Theo’s face for there was another thing Adam had said but Theo preferred not to mention it. “You don’t even love me the way I love you and you never will” – that was the reproach that had leaked to reality from the dream and made him uncomfortable. Did Adam really think that Theo didn’t love him enough just because he had never said the essential words?

“Come on, do you take sleep-talking seriously?” Adam asked and put his arm around Theo’s shoulders, feeling something was wrong, “It’s just bullshit, I’d never want you to leave. You know I love you.”

“I love you too,” Theo blurted out so swiftly as if it was the last chance to say it but then he added in a milder manner, “Do you really think I don’t just because I haven’t said it up till now? Yeah, I know I should have because you always doubt anything good that happens to you. Sorry about that. From now on I’ll remind you of this every day, if you want it. Of course, I love you, Adam, I loved you even before I knew I did but how could  _you_  not know?”

The range of circumstances and surroundings which Theo could use to say it was truly grand but he preferred an unlikely option to all the moments that might be more opportune. But still he had said the words, and Adam couldn’t help beaming.

“I hope this isn’t sleep-talking or another dream,” Adam said, and his chuckle was stopped by Theo’s lips that were too tangible and affecting to be an illusion. As their bodies intertwined, Theo realized how trivial and worthless his confession was, compared to what he really felt and what Adam deserved. The words were not only beaten and labored but also not very personal, and Theo knew that he had to support them with something intimate, something that could apply only to their love among plenty of others. But that time he knew exactly what to do, and the plan in his head grew more distinct with every touch.

***

When Adam woke up the next morning, the first thing he noticed was Theo sitting on the bed fully dressed and looking at him.

“Finally!” he exclaimed impatiently but genially, “It’s noon already, you have no idea how many things I’ve managed to do!”

“It’s not my fault I don’t get enough sleep, you know,” Adam noted with a smirk, making Theo look quite chuffed.

“Touché. I’ve made you breakfast in bed, by the way, though while you were sleeping it might have turned into lunch in bed.”

Adam turned to the bedside table and saw a tray full of food and crowned with a bright red rose.

“Whoa. Thanks but… really? A rose?” he snickered, actually surprised by this romantic gesture.

“What’s wrong? Always wanted to give you at least one while throwing around thousands. Moreover, it’s not just a rose, it’s a red rose. Have you heard about the language of flowers? I do remember what I said yesterday about reminding you every day so why not try lot of different ways?” Theo smiled and snuggled up to Adam, who noticed a flash drive in the corner of the tray in the meantime.

“And what’s with that flash drive?”

“Ha, guess!”

“I’d better not tell you what I’m thinking.”

“You’d better do for future reference but okay… While you were sleeping, I went to the studio and finished the song.”

The revelation washed jocosity away from Adam’s face.

“Wow, this is huge! You mean, like really finished? 100%?”

His doubts were fully justified by the time they had been working on that very song and especially the way Theo kept on rearranging lyrics and even whole parts so they had to record it again and again until Theo was satisfied. However, his satisfaction lasted a week at most. When both lost count of recorded versions, they finally agreed on the music part but the nightmare with lyrics went on. Substantially – though not completely – the changes in the lyrics depended on the changes in their relationship and, understanding it, Adam both liked the implied development and hated the overt hesitation.

“110%. Among the hundreds of times I told you it was done, it’s certainly the last time.”

“So what’s different now?”

“Uh, nothing and everything,” Theo said mysteriously, “I’ll just take the laptop and show you. But listen carefully, you might miss the point,” he added, grabbing the laptop from the desk and starting the system.

“Do you know how many times I listened to it? I think I can spot a tiniest change even if you play it at minimum volume.”

“Oh, it’s not so trifling, believe me. But it’s kind of… covert,” Theo pressed ‘play’ with a smile even more cunning.

Hearing the first sounds, Adam couldn’t help smiling as if he was listening to the song for the first time. Memories overflowed him. He still remembered the day this tune had come upon him, when he had been hiding from everyone in the dressing room, lost and loaded with solicitude. In that troublesome moment Adam had never thought that in a while he would be kissed by the lips he had been dreaming of, in a couple of months those lips would kiss him every day and lastly they would be singing a song about their story that turned out to have a happy ending.

During the last verse Theo looked at his friend to return him from the depth of memories and grab his attention. Adam realized it was the place for careful listening and pricked up his ears but all the difference he heard was the last lines being changed and he wasn’t even sure that it hadn’t been this way before because of dozens of previous changes.

“Just…” he started but Theo interrupted:

“Hush! The outro!”

After some time, when the song was over, Theo turned to Adam with a smile so triumphant as if he had just at least climbed a dangerous mountain or discovered a new planet.

“So? What do you say?”

“Well, the synth outro you’ve added is really beautiful though you could’ve told me about that. As for the lyrics… Also nice. But is it just me or does the last line sound a bit… cut? I mean, when you sing that ‘I love you’ – or whatever the variation was, I don’t remember – it sounds like an incomplete sentence and then there’s just the outro. Maybe it’s your intonation, maybe I didn’t get your idea, I don’t know.”

“Yeah, you didn’t. It’s exactly the way it must be and really complete. You just didn’t listen to the end of it carefully,” Theo said pointedly.

“How could I miss anyth… Wait, is this another encryption of yours? Please don’t tell me you’re whispering my name at the end of it or something…”

“Ha-ha, of course not. In a way you’ve come closer but it’s more about music.”

Seeing the expression of hopeless confusion on Adam’s face, Theo sighed and played the last part once again with no further hints given. Adam still had no idea what he was suggesting but suddenly the clue just dawned on him and its simplicity and at the same time unconventionality made him smile.

“Oh, I see. The chord progression. A, D, Am. Which altogether make my name. So you’re addressing me with music and telling me that you love me in the most suitable way for us. Theo, it’s…”

“Clever and cute, I know,” he interrupted with a smile and shut Adam up with a little tender kiss, “As it all started with this song, I thought it would be the rightest thing to do. I always felt like it was a perfect metaphor for our relationship – moody at first but probably the happiest of all our songs in the end. The difference is that the song is complete but we have forever, right?”

Dumbfounded by happiness, Adam could answer him only with another kiss. The little trick moved him even more than it was planned as it meant that finally all the doubts and questions between them were dispelled.

“So I kept my promise after all,” Theo said all of a sudden, caressing Adam’s cheek and smiling.

“What promise?”

“Once I told you that I would do anything that depended on me so we could reconcile everything and promised you we would be fine in the end. Even though most of my actions seemed to be anything but opportune, I think it all somehow worked out the best possible way. We’re fine in the end. Aren’t we?”

Adam smiled as he remembered how the promise seemed nearly impossible at the beginning and how he didn’t even dare to think of this being the only right way to solve the problem.

“Yeah. Finer than ever.”


End file.
